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Sleepless nights
I’m the type of person who always questions why I feel the way I do. If I’m angry…it’s never that simple. I’m not just mad. Underneath the anger, I might be feeling hurt, offended, scared, what have you. I’m not one to trust my surface emotions.
Right now, that’s driving me crazy.Why do I miss him? That’s what I’m asking myself. Is it really as simple as I love him? Maybe I miss the stability. Maybe I miss having someone to hold me, to hear my thoughts and opinions and fears. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m not feeling like myself, and he makes me feel like myself. (Made me feel like myself.)
But even though that questioning is happening…there’s still the part of me, the part that exists outside of pure logic, that believes it’s the easy answer. Well…it might actually be the hardest to deal with. It has less of a solution. If I missed the stability, I could reason myself out of missing him, find stability in other areas of my life. If I missed someone’s loving support, I could turn to my friends. If I were just lonely, I could immerse myself in distractions and again turn to my friends. But if I miss him so much because I’m hopelessly in love with him…I guess the ‘hopelessly’ part of that really describes it all. There is no healthy solution. I suppose I could delude myself into believing it’s for another reason, focus on the negative aspects of our relationship, distract myself from thinking of him. But I know where those roads end—I’ve taken them before. It’s worse, in the end. So I’m stuck here, like I’m in love with a comatose man, not knowing how to move on. Because he’s still out there; he isn’t dead, he hasn’t stopped loving me. How can I just forget about him like that? And there’s the chance he’ll wake up, call my name, take me into his arm again. How do you move on from that? From so much possibility? If only we had a cut-and-dry break up, dictated by our feelings and not by distance and practicality. I guess I should be grateful he still loves me, that our love still exists. And I am. But it just hurts so much more. I’m causing myself this pain. Because we both need to follow our dreams—our same dreams—we are destined to hurt. We are two rational, logical people in love—such a paradox. All we can do is hope to be together again for a moment here and there—a summer, an evening. Maybe one day the rest of a lifetime.
And here it comes again—the questioning. I’m only 19. How can I be so sure of my love for a person? How can I possibly contemplate spending the rest of my life with someone? He’s the only person I’ve ever really loved. Surely I’m jaded. Surely I’m naive. How can I say if we were older, through college, established in our careers, and still felt exactly the same as we do now, that we would make the commitment to stay together forever? How can I even hope for that, having never tried to feel this way about another person?
I can’t.
Reason and emotion are at war within me. I hate questioning my love for him. I know I do truly love him. I doubted it for a while, but then I saw him again, and it made me realize that doubt was a defense/coping mechanism. I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do (it sounds too emo to put into words) if that weren’t the case. Maybe it isn’t a lifetime kind of thing.
But I still miss him like hell. And I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, of course I want other people. But I want him most. So where the fuck do I go from here?
